第63章

"She's going to be married; she'll go away, and will take her father to live with her! I can have room for my children, and room for mother! Every element of discord will now leave my home, and Ernest will see what I really am!"These were the thoughts that rushed through my mind, and that illuminated my face.

"Does Ernest know?" I asked.

"Yes, Ernest has known it for some weeks."

Then I felt injured and inwardly accused Ernest of unkindness in keeping so important a fact a secret.But when I went back to my children, vexation with him took flight at once.The coming of each new child strengthens and deepens my desire to be what I would have it become; makes my faults more odious in my eyes, and elevates my whole character.What a blessed discipline of joy and of pain my married life has been; how thankful I am to reap its fruits even while pricked by its thorns!

JUNE 21.-It seems that the happy man who has wooed Martha and won her is no less a personage than old Mr.Underhill.His ideal of a woman is one who has no nerves, no sentiment, no backaches, no headaches, who will see that the wheels of his household machinery are kept well oiled, so that he need never hear them creak, and who, in addition to her other accomplishments, believes in him and will be kind enough to live forever for his private accommodation.This expose of his sentiments he has made to me in a loud, cheerful, pompous way, and he has also favored me with a description of his first wife, who lacked all these qualifications, and was obliging enough to depart in peace at an early stage of their married life, meekly preferring thus to make way for a worthier successor.Mr.Underhill with all his foibles, however, is on the whole a good man.He intends to take Amelia's little girls into his own home, and be a father, as Martha will be a mother, to them.For this reason he hurries on the marriage, after which they will all go at once to his country-seat, which is easy of access, and which he says he is sure father will enjoy.Poor old father I hope he will, but when the subject is alluded to he maintains a sombre silence, and it seems to me he never spent so many days alone in his room, brooding over his misery, as he has of late.Oh, that I could comfort him.

JULY 12.-The marriage was appointed for the first of the month, as old Mr.Underhill wanted to get out of town before the Fourth.As the time drew near, Martha began to pack father's trunk as well as her own, and brush in and out of his room till he had no rest for the sole of his foot, and seemed as forlorn as a pelican in the wilderness.

I know no more striking picture of desolation than that presented by one of these quaint birds, standing upon a single leg, feeling as the story has it, "den Jammer und das Elend der Welt."On the last evening in June we all sat together on the piazza, enjoying, each in our own way, a refreshing breeze that had sprung up after a sultry day Father was quieter than usual, and seemed very languid.Ernest who, out of regard to Martha's last evening at home, had joined our little circle, ob served this, and said, cheerfully:

"You will feel better as soon as you are once more out of the city, father."Father made no reply for some minutes, and when he did speak we were all startled to find that his voice trembled as if he were shedding tears.We could not understand what he said.I went to him and made him lean his head upon me as he often did when it ached.He took my hand in both his.

"You do love the old man a little?" he asked, in the same tremulous voice.

"Indeed, I do!" I cried, greatly touched by his helpless appeal, "Ilove you dearly, father.And I shall miss you sadly.""Must I go away then?" he whispered."Cannot I stay here till my summons hence? It will not be long, it will not be long, my child."With the cry of a hurt animal, Martha sprang up and rushed past us into the house.Ernest followed her, and we heard them talking together a long time.At last Ernest joined us.

"Father," he said, "Martha is a good deal wounded and disappointed, at your reluctance to, go with her She threatened to break off her engagement rather than to be separated from you.I really think you would be better off with her than with us.You would enjoy country life, because it is what you have been accustomed to; you could spend hours of every day in driving about; just what your health requires."Father did not reply.He took Ernest's arm and tottered into the house.Then we had a most painful scene.Martha reminded him with bitter tears that her mother had committed him to her with her last breath and set before him all the advantages he would have in her house over ours.Father sat pale and inflexible; tear after tear rolling down his cheeks.Ernest looked distressed and ready to sink.

As for me I cried with Martha, and with her father by turns, and clung to Ernest with a feeling that all the foundations of the earth were giving way.It came time for evening prayers, and Ernest prayed as he rarely does, for he is rarely so moved.He quieted us all by a few simple words of appeal to Him who loved us, and father then consented to spend the summer with Martha if he might call our home his home, and be with us through the winter.But this was not till long after the rest of us went to bed, and a hard battle with Ernest.

He says Ernest is his favorite child, and that I am his favorite daughter, and our children inexpressibly dear to him.I am ashamed to write down what he said of me.Besides, I am sure there is a wicked, wicked triumph over Martha in my secret heart.I am too elated with his extraordinary preference for us, to sympathize with her mortification and grief as ought.Something whispered that she who has never pitied me deserves no pity now.But I do not like this mean and narrow spirit in myself; nay more, I hate and abhor it.

The marriage took place and they all went off together, father's rigid, white face, whiter, more rigid than ever.I am to go to mother's with the children at once.I feel that a great stone has been rolled away from before the door of my heart; the one human being who refused me a kindly smile, a sympathizing word, has gone, never to return.May God go with her and give her a happy home, and make her true and loving to those motherless little ones!