第23章

"It has been said 'that a fixed, inflexible will is a great assistance in a holy life.'

"You can will to choose for your associates those who are most devout and holy.

"You can will to read books that will stimulate you in your Christian life, rather than those that merely amuse.

"You can will to use every means of grace appointed by God.

"You can' will to spend much time in prayer, without regard to your frame at the moment.

"You can will to prefer a religion of principle to one of mere feeling; in other, words, to obey the will of God when no comfortable glow of emotion accompanies your obedience.

"You cannot will to possess the spirit of Christ; that must come as His gift; but you can choose to study His life, and to imitate it.

This will infallibly lead to such self-denying work as visiting the poor, nursing the sick, giving of your time and money to the needy, and the like.

"If the thought of such self-denial is repugnant to you, remember that it is enough for the disciple to be as his Lord.And let me assure you that as you penetrate the labyrinth of life in pursuit of Christian duty, you will often be surprised and charmed by meeting your Master Himself amid its windings and turnings, and receive His soul-inspiring smile.Or, I should rather say, you will always meet Him wherever you go."I have read this letter again and again.It has taken such hold of me that I can think of nothing else.The idea of seeking holiness had never so much as crossed my mind.And even now it seems like presumption for such a one as I to utter so sacred a word.And Ishrink from committing myself to such a pursuit, lest after a time Ishould fall back into the old routine.And I have an undefined, wicked dread of being singular, as well as a certain terror of self-denial and loss of all liberty.But no choice seems left to me.

Now that my duty has been clearly pointed out to me, I do not stand where I did before.And I feel, mingled with my indolence and love of ease and pleasure, some drawings towards a higher and better life.

There is one thing I can do, and that is to pray that Jesus would do for me what He did for the blind man-put His hands yet again upon my eyes and make me to see clearly.And I will.

MARCH, 30.-Yes, I have prayed, and He has heard me.I see that I have no right to live for myself, and that I must live for.Him.I have given myself to Him as I never did before, and have entered, as it were, a new world.I was very happy when I began to believe in His love for me, and that He had redeemed me.But this new happiness is deeper; it involves something higher than getting to heaven at last, which has, hitherto, been my great aim.

March 31.-The more I pray, and the more I read the Bible, the more Ifeel my ignorance.And the more earnestly I desire holiness, the more utterly unholy I see myself to be.But I have pledged myself to the Lord, and I must pay my vows, cost what in may.

I have begun to read Taylor's "Holy Living and Dying." A month ago Ishould have found it a tedious, dry book.But I am reading it with a sort of avidity, like one seeking after hid treasure.Mother, observing what I was doing, advised me to read it straight through, but to mingle a passage now and then with chapters from other books.

She suggested my beginning on Baxter's "Saints' Rest," and of that Ihave read every word.I shall read it over, as Dr.Cabot advised, till I have fully caught its spirit.Even this one reading has taken away my lingering fear of death, and made heaven awfully attractive.

I never mean to read worldly books again, and my music and drawing Ihave given up forever.