第11章

"You dear old horrid thing How can you be so selfish?"Jan.15, 1833.-I have been trying to think whether I am any happier today than I was at this time a year ago.If I am not, I suppose it is the tantalizing way in which I am placed in regard to Charley.We have so much to say to each other that we can't say before mother, and that we cannot say in writing, because a correspondence is one of the forbidden things.He says he entered into no contract not to write, and keeps slipping little notes into my hand; but I don't think that quite right.Mother hears us arguing and disputing about it, though she does not know the subject under discussion, and to-day she said to me:

"I would not argue with him, if I were you.He never will yield.""But it is a case of conscience," I said, "and he ought to yield.""There is no obstinacy like that of a f---," she and stopped short.

"Oh, you may as well finish it!" I cried."I know you think him a fool."Then mother burst out, "Oh, my child," she said, "before it is too late, do be persuaded by me to give up this whole thing.I shrink from paining or offending you, but it is my duty, as your mother, to warn you against a marriage that will make shipwreck of your happiness."'

"Marriage!" I fairly shrieked out.That is the last thing I have ever thought of.I felt a chill creep over me.All I had wanted was to have Charley come here every day, take me out now and then, and care for nobody else.

"Yes, marriage!" mother repeated."For what is the meaning of an engagement if marriage is not to follow? How can you fail to see, what I see, oh! so plainly, that Charley Underhill can never, never meet the requirements of your soul.You are captivated by what girls of your age call beauty, regular features, a fair complexion and soft eyes.His flatteries delude, and his professions of affection gratify you.You do not see that he is shallow, and conceited, and selfish and-""Oh mother! How can you be so unjust? His whole study seems to be to please others.""Seems to be--that is true," she replied."His ruling passion is love of admiration; the little pleasing acts that attract you are so many traps set to catch the attention and the favorable opinion of those about him.He has not one honest desire to please because it is right to be pleasing.Oh, my precious child, what a fatal mistake you are making in relying on your own judgment in this, the most important of earthly decisions!"I felt very angry.

"I thought the Bible forbade back-biting," I said.

Mother made no reply, except by a look which said about a hundred and forty different things.And then I came up here and wrote some poetry, which was very good (for me), though I don't suppose she would think so.

Oct.1.-The year of probation is over, and I have nothing to do now but to be happy.But being engaged is not half so nice as I expected it would be.I suppose it is owing to my being obliged to defy mother's judgment in order to gratify my own.People say she has great insight into character, and sees, at a glance, what others only learn after much study.

Oct.10.-I have taken a dreadful cold.It is too bad.I dare say Ishall be coughing all winter, and instead of going out with Charley, be shut up at home.

Oct.12.-Charley says he did not know that I was subject to a cough, and that he hopes I am not consumptive, because his father and mother died of consumption, and it makes him nervous to hear people cough.Inearly strangled myself all the evening trying not to annoy him with mine.