第21章

Pomp and Circumstances of Glorious War.

But man, proud man, Dressed in a little brief authority, Most ignorant of what he's most assured, Plays such fantastic tricks before high Heaven As make the angels weep, who, with our spleens, Would all themselves laugh mortal.--Measure for Measure "Abe, you remember how that man who made the speech when our colors were presented to us talked of 'the swelling hearts of our volunteers,' don't you?" said Kent Edwards, as he and Abe Bolton lounged near the parade-ground one fine afternoon, shortly after the arrival of the regiment in camp of instruction."You remember that that was his favorite figure of rhetoric, and he repeated it several times?""Don't know anything about figger of retterick," growled Abe, who, his comrades said, had the evenest temper in the regiment, "for he was always mad.But I do remember that he said that over several times, with a lot o' other things without much pint to 'em, until I thought I'd drop, I was so thirsty and tired.""Yes? Well, now if you want to get a good idea of what that expression meant, look over there.Not only his heart swells, but he swells all over.""I should think he did," replied Abe, after a moment's inspection.

"Unless his hat has an Injy-rubber band, he'll have to git it cut offen his head, which ought to be hooped, for it can't swell no more without busting."It was Jacob Alspaugh crossing the parade ground in more than Solomonic splendor of uniform.His inflated form bore upon it all the blue and tinsel prescribed by the Army Regulations for the raiment and insignia of a First Lietenant of Infantry, with such additions as had been suggested by his exuberant fancy.His blue broadcloth was the finest and shiniest.Buttons and bugles seemed masses of barbric gold.From broad-brimmed hat floated the longest ostrich feather procurable in the shops.Shining leather boots, field-marshal pattern, came above his knees.Yellow gauntlets covered his massive hands and reached nearly to his elbows, and on his broad shoulders were great glittering epaulets--then seldom worn by anyone, and still more rarely by volunteer officers.He evidently disdained to hide the crimson glories of his sash in the customary modest way, by folding it under his belt, but had made of it a broad bandage for his abdominal regions, which gae him the appearance of some gigantic crimson-breasted blue-bird.Behind him trailing, clanking on the ground as he walked, not the modest little sword of his rank, but a long cavalry saber, with glittering steel scabbard.But the sheen of gold and steel was dimmed beside the glow of intense satisfaction with hs make-up that shone in his face.There might be alloy in his gleaming buttons and bullion epaulets; there was none in his happiness.

"I feel sorry for the poor lilies of the field that he comes near,"sighed Kent, sympathetically."He is like them now, in neither toiling nor spinning, and yet how ashamed he must make them of their inferior rainment.""Faugh! it makes me sick to see a dunghill like that strutting around in feathers that belong to game birds.""O, no; no game bird ever wore such plumage as that.You must be thinking of a peacock, or a bird-of-paradise.""Well, then, blast it, I hate to see a peacock hatched all at once out of a slinking, roupy, barnyard rooster.""O, no; since circuses are out of the question now, we ought to be glad of so good a substitute.It only needs a brass band, with some colored posters, to be a genuine grand entry, with street parade."Alspaugh's triumphal march had now brought him within a few feet of them, but they continued to lounge indifferently on the musket box upon which they had been sitting, giving a mere nod as recognition of his presence, and showing no intention of rising to salute.

The glow of satisfaction faded from Alspaugh's horizon, and a cloud overcast it.

"Here, you fellers," he said angrily, "why don't ye git up an'

saloot? Don't ye know your business yit?""What business, Jake?" asked Kent Edwards, absently, paying most attention to a toad which had hopped out form the cover of a budock leaf, in search of insects for his supper.

Alspaugh's face grew blacker."The business of paying proper respect to your officers.""It hasn't occured to me that I am neglecting anything in that line," said Kent, languidly, shifting over to recline upon his left elbow, and with his right hand gathering up a little gravel to flip at the toad; "but maybe you are better acquainted with our business than we are."Abe contributed to the dialogue a scornful laugh, indicative of a most heartless disbelief in his superior officer's superior intellectuality.

The dark cloud burst in storm: "Don't you know," said Alspaugh, angry in every fiber, "that the reggerlations say that 'when an enlisted man sees an officer approach, he will rise and saloot, and remain standin' and gazin' in a respectful manner until the officer passes five paces beyond him?' Say, don't you know that?"Kent Edwards flipped a bit of gravel with such good aim that it struck the toad fairly on the head, who blinked his bright eyes in surprise, and hopped back to his covert."I am really glad," said he, "to know that you have learned SOMETHING of the regulations.

Now, don't say another word about it until I run down to the company quarters and catch a fellow for a bet, who wants to put up money that you can never learn a single sentence of them.Don't say another word, and you can stand in with me on the bet.""Had your head measured since you got this idea into it?" asked Abe Bolton, with well-assumed interest.

"If he did, he had to use a surveyor's chain," suggested Kent, flipping another small pebble in the direction of the toad's retreat.